How we used ninja powers for free beer and entry to REM.

Brad is a ninja. You probably wouldn’t pick it if you met him, but at this year’s South by Southwest he demonstrated his super powers.

On the first night of the festival we found ourselves at a venue with the very unfortunate name of Emo’s Annex. To the untrained eye it was little more than a carpark, a tent and a mobile cool room servicing a temporary bar. To a ninja like Brad it was a virtual Garden of Eden, where rivers of cold beer flow freely.

As soon as we finished the first round, Brad pulls on his black robes, makes himself completely invisible, slinks behind the bar, opens the cool room and returns with a couple of icy cold cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon. How did he do it? How come he only picked up two beers? Why the hell did I pay for the first round?

The reason we were in this carpark was not, in fact, for the free beer but to check out the Von Bondies. They were most excellent but I couldn’t stop thinking about the time Jack White punched their lead singer’s face into something that resembled a half eaten jam donut. Don’t mess with Uncle Jack.

Probably the biggest name at SXSW this year was REM and they were scheduled to play the biggest venue in town – the outdoor stage at Stubbs BBQ which holds a couple of thousand people and is the kind of place that arena bands refer to as “intimate”. I’ve never been fan of REM and I don’t have any of their albums but when they’re playing a free gig over the road that starts in five minutes – ah, what the hell eh? They’re so massive they could play back to back top ten hits for two solid hours and still have a few number ones up their sleeve for the encore.
Our chance of getting in was pretty slim. Joining the 200+ people in line was out of the question and the door bitch looked tough so we decided to inspect the perimeter fence for weaknesses. Don’t ever think that the front door is the only way into a show. We walked around the corner and gave each other the knowing look that guys often share that says “Do you see that?” and silently replies “Oh yeah, I see it”. We’d found the secret ninja entrance which was behind the portaloos at the back of the venue and could only be accessed by going over a section of the fence that had slight lean to it for improved climb-ability.

This time it was my turn to pull on the black robes. When I went over the top it felt like going over the fence to escape from a POW camp. I swung myself gently over the barbed wire, dropped down behind the portapotty and was out of view. All that was left was to do was walk out into the open, adjust my belt and act like I’d just liberated a bladder full of warm Pabst. Too easy. It took Brad a little while (probably because I was wearing his ninja suit) but a couple of songs later he too had breached security and was looking for the next river of beer.
REM bored us silly with their new material for the next hour and half and only managed one of their hits, the one about the man on the moon. To make things worse the river of beer wasn’t flowing at all and when Brad was caught lurking around the back of bar he was shown to the gate. The gravy train had been derailed!

This got me wondering. Maybe Brad isn’t a ninja after all. Just as well he’s a good bass player.